Talking with Teens:

Communication – changing your style as your child moves through their teens can keep the lines of communication open in these important years.  

Talking with your teenager can be an experience filled with drama-establishing new communication styles as your child moves into teenage years and becomes increasingly independent will help you both through this time of change.  

The following are a few tips to make communication a little easier for both of you.  

• Have fun, laugh a little be open.  If you can share a laugh, chances are you are able to share other, more serious stuff.

• Be available, create opportunities to chat, like eating together, talking in the car or go out for a milkshake.

• Be interested, chat to your teenager about stuff they are interested in and be interested, they can tell when you’re only half listening.

• Be positive, Pay attention when your teenager does something that deserves praise, there’s no need to go over the top, just mention it in passing to let them know that you’ve noticed.

• Avoid Interrogation, questions are a way of showing interest but sometimes it can seem like the ‘third degree’.  Listen and give your teen time to answer and use the information given to direst the conversation.

• Don’t Lecture, constant lecturing is a signal to a young person to tune out.  This only stops communication and both you and they will become frustrated.  Allow young people to problem solve and find ways to deal with their own problems.  The most helpful responses show interest and open the way for the young person to learn about the consequences of their own behaviour.

• Don’t overreact, Overreacting can short circuit the opportunity for a reasonable conversation.  Try to stay calm and find out what it is they are trying to tell you.

• Think before saying No, When a young person asks a question, think it through and give reasons for your decision.  It’s part of growing up to question the logic of decisions and to expect fairness.

• Sticks to your decision, once you have decided and stated your case reasonably, stay firm.  Don’t get into a debate even if your teenager persists in arguing.  If you refuse to participate in the debate, they will soon lose interest.

• Learn to compromise, Be fair.  If you have to say “no” encourage your teenager to find a different way of showing they can be trusted.

• Learn to listen, Try to hear and understand what your teenager is saying.  Don’t interrupt them with opposing arguments.  Instead ask questions and try to clarify and understand their point of view.  Give them your whole attention.  Stop doing what you are doing look them in the eye and genuinely listen.

• Acknowledge their feelings, Sometimes we try to explain away our teenager’s feelings (especially the negative ones) to make them feel better.  It’s more helpful to acknowledge their feelings, so they know they have really been heard.

• Respect their privacy; Give them some space of their own.  Don’t go into their room without permission and don’t go through their diary or drawers in their absence.

• Make sure they are safe, Don’t pry for information, unless it’s about ensuring their safety.  There is nothing outdated about needing to know where your teenager is spending their time and with whom, and how and when they will get home.

• They need to know you care however much they ignore you or make fun of your efforts; they need to know more than ever that you believe in them and love them.

• Take time out for yourself; start to think about the dreams and goals you have for yourself when your teenager grows up.

• No parent is perfect, the reality is that teenagers and parents can’t get on all the time, remember that no parent is perfect.